Writing to Heal: The Work of Reinekke Lengelle
When I was thirty-seven years old, my mother passed away from breast cancer that had metastasized to her brain. She died angry, bitter, and resentful, never having found the peace in her life that she had so eagerly sought. She had been plagued by negative emotions, the need to lash out at those around her, and unhealthy and discordant relationships with family and friends. Her youth had been violent and traumatic; she had been sexually abused by her father starting at only four years old. Her father was imprisoned for eight years, pushing her mother into an asylum and sending my mother and her siblings into foster care. Ha et al. (2019) write that sexual violence is one of the most traumatic experiences that someone can suffer, and just one sexually violent experience can lead to a lifetime of pain and self-punishment (p. 10).
After my mother died, I found her diaries, which I had seen her writing in nearly every day of my life. It took me over six months to read through them, and then I started writing out her life story. In the end, I was left confounded that after a lifetime of pouring out her pain onto paper, she had never found any healing or peace. Writing is known to alleviate pain, depression, anxiety, and negative emotions (Lengelle & Meijers, 2009, p. 57), but for my mother, her words seemed only to compound her pain. Using an autoethnographic approach, alongside Lengelle and Meijers’ (2009) theory of moving from the first to the second story as a framework, this paper seeks to understand why some people, like my mother, do not find the benefits of writing for themselves. By uncovering how my mother got trapped in her narrative of blame and the negative emotions of fear and anger, this paper explores three main reasons why she could not move into a healthier and more calming second story. First, due to the extensive abuse, my mother required a skilled practitioner to help guide her on her journey. Second, she kept her diaries private when having another person bear witness to her story could have helped bring her out of isolation. Finally, my mother was stuck in her default narrative of negativity, and she required a committed personal intention to move out of her limiting first story.
My mother suffered extreme sexual abuse as a child, first at the hands of her father, then at the hands of her brother and step-brother, and again later, at the hands of a man while she was in foster care. Baikie and Wilhelm (2005) write that although the benefits of expressive writing can be profound for most people, extreme trauma survivors do not necessarily achieve the same positive outcomes from writing (p. 340). One reason contributing to low success rates in trauma victims is that they are often told to write specifically about their traumatic experience, which is not always helpful. In some cases, it would be more beneficial to have the survivor first write about other, more general topics, initially taking their minds off of their default story (p. 341). However, making these determinations and finding each person's most effective writing prompt requires a skilled writing practitioner, often with extensive experience with trauma victims (p. 341). When we write as a form of therapy or release, we are trying to find some meaning for our circumstances. In order to make meaning, we need to make sense of our trauma. My mother was trying to make sense of the violence and chaos in her life, but she had no direction.
Pennebaker’s (1990) findings reveal that participants who wrote about extremely traumatic events like rape and child abuse reported feeling like they knew and understood themselves better (p. 47). Reading my mother’s diaries, I saw that instead of making meaning out of past traumatic events, she focused on current feelings of rage, bitterness, and resentment. She did not try to understand or resolve her feelings; instead, she lashed out at her current circumstances, family, and friends. According to Baikie and Wilhelm’s (2005) research, my mother got stuck in her trauma and could not find a way out. This research ties to Lengelle and Meijers’ (2009) discussion of how some people can get trapped into repeating their story over and over, and instead of learning something from the experience, they “short circuit” into a “vicious cycle of fear, complacency, anger, or hopelessness” (p. 59).
A skilled practitioner can help victims of trauma exit this cycle by encouraging them to redraft and revise their first story into a more healing second story (Lengelle & Meijers, 2009, p. 72). Skilled practitioners have many tools available in their toolbox, such as sharing their personal stories, offering words of encouragement, and suggesting writing prompts they feel are most beneficial to the student (p. 72). My mother got trapped in her first story and was unable to move beyond her trauma. Having a skilled practitioner to help my mother in the writing process would have profoundly changed how and what she wrote about, significantly helping her to heal.
Another reason some victims of trauma may not find relief in expressive writing is that they have no one to witness or share their stories with. Lengelle and Meijers (2009) write that to break the repetitive cycle of the first story, the witness or observer is critical, allowing the victim to find detachment from their story and helping them move away from the victim mentality (p. 59). Through reading my mother’s diaries, I came to understand that my mother showed herself no more kindness than she showed to others; the hate she gave away was the same hate she placed upon herself. Ha et al. (2019) write that victims of incest are often extremely self-reproachful and carry high levels of self-hatred and self-blame (p. 11).
When these victims do not learn how to forgive their abuser or themselves, they continue to perpetuate their pain, halting personal growth and interpersonal relationships. Instead of releasing themselves from the trauma, they stay stuck right in it. Ha et al. (2019) write that “when people cannot forgive, they ruminate about the accident and resent the offenders while blaming themselves” (p. 18). To stop obsessive ruminations and self-blame, trauma victims must share their stories with others, talk about their writing, and get inspiration from friends, family, and their writing facilitator (Lengelle & Elzen, 2023, p. 7). Lengelle and Meijers (2009) report that “It is as if those writing their stories strengthen their own inner observer simply by knowing they will be read” (p. 68). Other students report feeling a sense of relief when reading other people’s stories, understanding that they are not alone (p. 68). When victims can be witnessed by another person or can witness themselves through another person, it allows them the opportunity to revise their stories, gain insights, and eventually, move beyond the trauma and into a new and healthier second story.
After a traumatic event, victims have the choice to either dwell in their pain or consider it an opportunity to grow and change, often referred to as posttraumatic growth. Pavlacic et al. (2019) write that this growth can be categorized as “building closer relationships, examining new possibilities, appreciating life, recognizing personal strengths, and undergoing spiritual changes” (p. 232). They believe that expressive writing can facilitate posttraumatic growth by allowing the writer to fully comprehend what happened to them and to feel more connected to their surroundings (p. 233). However, they reiterate the importance of the writer being fully engaged in the writing practice; the writer must believe they have the power to heal themselves, and they must connect to what they are writing about (p. 244). My mother’s diaries were full of such rage that I found many parts challenging to read. Baikie and Wilhelm (2005) share that writing participants must eventually move away from using negative-emotion words and move into more positive words such as “I understand” or “I realize” (p. 342). These “insight words” help the writer develop a more coherent story, reflecting an increased understanding of their experience.
Zheng et al. (2019) conducted similar research on the difference between writing generally about a topic and writing expressively about a topic. For example, one could write about the events of their day, or one could write about a specific traumatic experience. Those who wrote about the trauma tended to use words that made more meaning, like “because” and “reason,” which allowed them to reorganize and reappraise the traumatic events (Zheng et al., 2019, p. 3). Using these more insightful words can transform a traumatic experience into logical language, which changes the thoughts around the trauma, producing a more coherent narrative (p. 4). Forming a cohesive narrative significantly enhances the healing process, allowing the victim to understand their circumstances better. Lengelle and Meijers (2009) refer to this newfound clarity in their final “understanding” stage of the transformational process (p. 64). Gaining an understanding of our trauma allows us to let go of the limiting first story and move into the second story, where we undergo a shift in perspective and no longer see ourselves as the victim. Lengelle and Elzen (2023) refer to this process as a way to “make meaning” of our experiences, which allows us to actively integrate them into our lives (p. 2). The story we write can be damaging and isolating or freeing and healing. Thinking back to my mother’s diaries, she was never able to commit to healing and learning from her traumatic experiences. Instead, she stayed stuck in her first story and could not move forward to a new understanding and perspective.
Traumatizing events, especially sexual violence and incest, can alter the course of someone’s life forever. For a time, it can feel safer to stay in our initial first story, recounting the trauma and feeling the emotions of anger, hate, and despair. Eventually, however, to heal from the trauma, we need to let go of that first story, try to find some understanding and meaning of our circumstances, and rewrite a new story that can allow us to move forward in our lives. One powerful tool to facilitate the creation of a new story is the use of writing as therapy. However, even though many people can receive powerful healing benefits through general writing, it often takes a more direct approach to see the best results. For example, having an experienced writing facilitator to help us through our journey can be highly beneficial.
My mother tried to write independently in her diaries but could not move away from her initial limiting story. We also need to share our stories with others so that we can witness ourselves and find deeper insights into what is holding us back. Finally, we need to have a clear purpose in our writing. Instead of simply repeatedly writing out our rage and despair, we must choose to heal and move forward. We need to decide to let go of our trauma and find out what we can learn from our experience instead of focusing on blame or recrimination. My mother spent over fifty years writing in her diary nearly every day but could not find her new story. The research I present to you in this paper helps us see that simply writing about our trauma may not be enough. Finding peace, healing, and recovery from trauma before we die is one of the most important aspects of living a meaningful life. I hope this paper allows more of us the inspiration and insight to seek a qualified writing practitioner to help us on our journeys of self-discovery and healing.
References
Baikie, K. A., & Wilhelm, K. (2005). Emotional and physical health benefits of expressive writing. Advances in Psychiatric Treatment, 11(5), 338–346.
Ha, N., Bae, S.-M., & Hyun, M.-H. (2019). The effect of forgiveness writing therapy on post-traumatic growth in survivors of sexual abuse. Sexual & Relationship Therapy, 34(1), 10–22. https://0-doi- org.aupac.lib.athabascau.ca/10.1080/14681994.2017.1327712
Lengelle, R., & Den Elzen, K. (2023). Introduction. In K. Den Elzen & R. Lengelle (Eds.), Writing for wellbeing: Theory, research, and practice (pp. 1–12). Routledge.
Lengelle, R., & Meijers. F. (2009). Mystery to mastery: An exploration of what happens in the black box of writing and healing. Journal of Poetry Therapy, 22(2), 57–75.
Pavlacic, J. M., Buchanan, E. M., Maxwell, N. P., Hopke, T. G., & Schulenberg, S. E. (2019). A Meta-Analysis of Expressive Writing on Posttraumatic Stress, Posttraumatic Growth, and Quality of Life. Review of General Psychology, 23(2), 230–250. https://0-doi-org.aupac.lib.athabascau.ca/10.1177/1089268019831645
Pennebaker, J. W. (1990). Excerpt from Becoming healthier through writing. In Opening up: The healing power of confiding in others (pp. 41–51; 213–214). William Morrow and Company.
Zheng, L., Lu, Q., & Gan, Y. (2019). Effects of expressive writing and use of cognitive words on meaning making and post-traumatic Growth. Journal of Pacific Rim Psychology, 13(Pt 2), pp. 1–6. https://0-doi-org.aupac.lib.athabascau.ca/10.1017/prp.2018.31