Nonviolent Communication: A New Path
When the Old Ways are no Longer Working
It seems that many people in the world today really do want to be a better version of themselves, maybe even the best version of themselves. The list of ways to better oneself is seemingly endless: yoga, meditation, exercise, time in nature, volunteering, mentoring; it seems that making the choice of what to do to better oneself is just as difficult as deciding it is time to do it.
In deciding how a person might better himself, it is helpful to think about what might achieve the most immediate and powerful results. For example, yoga might take years before one notices even some subtle changes. Meditation could take a lifetime or even two. Exercise can certainly take months. There is one practice, however, that can change a person’s life in just a few hours of study: the art and science of nonviolent communication (NVC).
When we learn to speak and communicate without judgment, reaction, or criticism, we can move the totality of our relationships and daily experiences into a new realm of enrichment, joy, pleasure, and support.
Nonviolent communication offers its practitioners a richer, sweeter life. At its simplest form, NVC is a way of communicating that does not hurt or harm anyone or anything. Marshall Rosenberg, the founder of NVC, tells us that there is a specific approach to communication that will lead us to give from the heart; it will connect us with ourselves and with each other (2). No longer operating out of habitual, automatic responses and reactions, our words become firmly based on conscious awareness.
Simultaneously, we pay attention to others in a respectful and empathic manner; the goal being to have our needs met without defending, withdrawing, or attacking. Resistance, defensiveness, and violent reactions are greatly reduced or even abandoned. Rosenberg writes, “When we focus on clarifying what is being observed, felt and needed rather than on diagnosing and judging, we discover the depth of our own compassion” (4). For all those who practice NVC, a life without violence, hostility, anger, or defensiveness offers the possibility of a much richer life.
People in the world today are looking for more joy and pleasure; where they are looking, however, may not be where it can ultimately be found. Social media, smartphones, Netflix – there is mounting evidence that these are detracting from life instead of adding to life (Longstreet & Brooks 75). Rosenberg writes that unconscious speaking and listening blocks compassion, and ultimately leads to violence and “life-alienating communication” (15), such as moralistic judgments, denial of responsibility, and communicating desires as demands.
Rosenberg believes that this life-alienating communication grows from and supports dominating societies, where large populations are controlled by leaders operating out of their own interests (23). This produces a “slave-like” mentality, where the people are looking outside of themselves for authority, instead of looking to their own feelings and needs as their moral compass. As we look outside of ourselves, we lose ourselves: joy and pleasure diminish, and our very nature to enjoy giving and receiving compassionately is lost.
Learning how to make requests versus demands is a fundamental component of NVC. As we learn this skill, the world and its people open up to us; we start living a life where we are supported and in turn support others. Rosenberg writes that requests are received as demands when others believe they will be “blamed or punished if they do not comply” (79). Generally, as we demand of others to get our own needs met, they will either submit or rebel. In both instances, the person requesting is deemed coercive, and the listener’s ability to respond compassionately to the request is limited.
As we continue to blame, punish, or urge others to meet our requests, we lose the respect, and ultimately the support of those around us (79). As we create relationships based on honesty and empathy, requesting instead of demanding, we develop supportive and nurturing relationships where everyone’s needs are being met, and not just our own.
Understanding the principles of NVC and beginning to use them in our relationships and daily interactions can be as simple as buying a book on NVC or investing in a workshop. Couples can radically change the dynamics of their relationship, countries can fuel alliance instead of war, and friendships can be healed and nurtured. Without judgment, reaction, or criticism, relationships can be nourished and strengthened, and with this strengthening comes a higher quality of life for everyone, not just the person practicing NVC.
The world and its people are looking for change; they are looking for ways to live richer and more supportive lives with more joy and pleasure. The evidence of this can be found in the powerful movement of NVC across the borders and frontiers of our globe; impacting leaders, governments, families, and friendships. NVC clearly carries with it the profound potential for both world-wide and personal transformation.
Works Cited
Longstreet, Phil, and Stony Brooks. “Life satisfaction: A key to managing internet & social media addiction.” Technology in Society, vol. 50, Aug. 2017, pp. 73-77. ScienceDirect, doi.org/10.1016/j.techsoc.2017.05.003. Accessed 18 March 2019.
Rosenberg, Marshall B. Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, 2nd ed., Puddledancer Press, 2003.